Bush: Sorry About Armageddon 'Thing'

By N.O. Stradamus
Posted Tuesday, January 16, 2007

President Bush today apologized for a series of events that touched off a world-wide armageddon, killing billions of people in an nuclear holocaust and promised to launch an immediate investigation to find out who would be held responsible.

"The American people, and those peoples everywhere else who are still alive, should know that I am sorry for the whole armageddon 'thing' and we will root out the evil doers wherever they might lay and give them swift justice," Bush said in a hastily prepared statement from a hidden bunker thought to be in the hills of Maryland.

World events spiraled slowly out of control following the invasion of Iraq in 2003, leading to first a bloody civil war in that country, followed by a conflict between Israel and Hezbollah forces in southern Lebanon, which ultimately expanded to draw in Syria and Iran. That conflict, expanded when Israeli forces attacked a United Nation's headquarters manned by Russian and Chinese troops in eastern Lebanon.

After Bush defiantly refused to support a UN Security Council resolution condemning Israel for its attacks, tensions between the three world superpowers were dramatically heightened. Shortly after, Bush was recorded on an unseen microphone, just prior to a public speech, denigrating the Russian and Chinese leadership and questioning their "manhood." Angry Chinese leaders called all outstanding U.S. debt, overnight ruining the U.S. economy and leaving millions unemployed.

Then the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency was caught red-handed attempting to fabricate a terrorist bombing in Moscow that would have been blamed on China. Within hours of the discovery, both China and Russia declared war on the U.S. and Israel. What started as a small, conventional war in Europe, became nuclear when Bush launched ICBMs at Russia, after the Red Army destroyed a number of Exxon-Mobil oilfields in the Middle East. Russia and China responded with ICBM launches of their own, leaving about 80 percent of the land area of the Earth unsuitable for humans, and more than four billion people dead.

"We will not rest until we discover the terrorists, the traitors responsible for this horrific series of events, and bring them to justice," Bush said.

"My message of hope to the American people, all 48 of you left is this: we will rebuild and repopulate our great nation. And heh-heh, Laura said I could help. So if any pretty fillies of child-bearing age can make it out here to Maryland, we can help make America great again. That is after I'm done with the media and Congress."

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