Bin Laden Salutes Bush, Lauds End Of Air Travel

By Bob A. Ganosh
Posted Saturday, October 13, 2007

SOMEWHERE IN PAKISTAN — Osama Bin Laden, replete in flight suit and helmet celebrated the demise of the U.S. passenger air industry with an elaborate festival — complete with a banner declaring “mission accomplished.”

Three days ago, Southwest Airlines flew its final passenger flight, a run from Balitmore to Los Angeles with only a handful of naked, luggage-less passengers on board. One by one, every U.S. carrier ended passenger service, switching to the more simple and cost effective cargo business when increased restrictions on what passengers could bring on an airliner became too restrictive for most air travelers.


“The beauty of it all,” Bin Laden said, “is that we did it with a minimum of loss of life. After 9/11, we realized that just failed attempts would be more than enough -- and there would be no need for further martyrs. Now, Americans must travel like a bunch of goat herders.”

The noted international terrorist, who remains on the loose despite chronic medical issues, was overjoyed at having outsmarted the American government and in particular, George W. Bush.

“The really crowing moment was when our scientists were able to create explosive bras and underwear,” Bin Laden said. “And like a hysterical girl, Bush immediately banned the wear of undergarments on airplanes. It took very little to push it to totally nude flying -- which was too much even for the morally corrupt Americans. And by shutting down air-travel, we have permanently damaged the economy and turned a supposed superpower into nothing more than a third-rate country, where everyone is afraid to leave their homes.”

The notorious terrorist then laughed hysterically until he had a coughing fit and was helped by a number of his associates. Within a few minutes, though, he was able to continue the briefing.
"I really should lay off the Cuban cigars," he joked.

Bin Laden, triumphant, told reporters that only one moment in the last few years had worried him: the 2004 election.

“Of course, we put about $50 million into the Bush campaign through various secret and corporate channels -- we have more PACs than I can count -- and felt pretty sure that (John) Kerry would screw it up. We were worried that like (former President) Clinton, they would tell no one about our plots and just send people to kill me, instead of the full-scale panic you see now. We knew Bush needed fear to stay in office -- I mean he’s a complete screw up, and to be honest, not that bright, I’ve known him personally since we were kids.”

The Bush Administration reacted quickly, immediately banning Internet access to Al Jazeera.com and minutes later, CNN.com and the raising the Emergency Warning Level to
“Super Secret Purple.” Bush then attempted to go on live TV, but CNN refused to carry it, and the broadcast networks had key reality shows on in sweeps month. Bush ultimately ended up airing his speech on Comedy Central, which consisted of him pointing at the new “purple” warning level and saying, “ooooh, scary” over and over again.

Later, at the post-festival celebration, Bin Laden introduced a new dance techno music video featuring Bush’s “ooooh scary” speech, which rocketed to number one on YouTube.com. Fox has optioned it as a series for its network.