God Fires Tom Cruise

By Miss Tiffany
Posted Sunday, March 22, 2009

Like all mortal souls, it appears God had finally had enough of Tom Cruise and fired him, sources tell Horriblescope.com.

What exactly that means remains unclear as the concept may be too complicated for mortals to fully comprehend; however immediately after the breakup was whispered in the studio halls of power and chic bistros, Church of Scientolgy buildings all over the world were suddenly turned into either walk-in psychotherapy clinics, or more bizarrely, Jack-In-The-Box fast food franchises.
"Hey, God just had enough," said a close associate of God who asked, well commanded, actually, not to be identified.

God apparently took cruise to lunch at Bob's Big Boy and broke the news to him.

"That," said the source close to God, "Tells you all you need to know. Sure, God loves junk food and he can eat all he wants without getting fat, but still. If God had any respect for him, it would have been a nicer place. God didn't even take the late Andy Dick to Bob's, but California Pizza Kitchen, to tell him to get his stuff together or he'd smote his butt."

After Paramount ditched him, that joint effort with Mel Gibson which attacked Jewish psychotherapists, Extreme Prejudice, an explosive shoot-'em up that bombed at the box office and led to condemnations from groups ranging from the AMA to the Klan, his seventh divorce and the unseemly appearance on Extra with the garden hose were just too much for God, the source said.

"Back in the old days, he would have just smote him and been done with it. But with age, he's pushing 20 billion years, he's mellowed a bit and likes to show he has a sense of humor," the source added.

Despite multiple, including divine, sources confirming the break, Cruise's media representatives denied the report.

"Tom and God are on the best of terms," said a slightly frazzled Felicia Anders, a Cruise spokes-wench. "They just played golf last week and Tom let God win. They're still as close as ever and have a screenplay in turnaround. Everything is perfect, really. Really."

On a related note, famed 300-pound actress Kirstie Alley was seen coming out of one of the converted Scientology facilities that had been converted into a Jack In The Box. When quizzed about the change, she seemed confused.

"Seemed pretty normal," she said before being rushed off by a handler. "They took my money and I got food. The food was better, though, and I got a cute antenna ball that looks like God or Harry Nilsson, I'm not sure which."