Sports-Porn Could Lead To End Of Humanity

By Karen Nack
Posted Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Scientists are warning that a new dangerous form of entertainment, Sports-Porn, could doom humanity as men refuse to work, eat or have sex, while sitting at their computers simultaneously masturbating and arguing about sports.

"We are, in short, looking at the end of all human life as we know it," said Dr. Enid Crouch, director of the Institute of Behavioral Scientologyistics. "Once we run out of frozen sperm — that's basically it, no more babies. Men see this Sports-Porn and they can't get enough it of it. They forget to eat. They don't shower...they just die at the computer screen, halfway through arguing about zone defense while masterbating. It's tragic."

While Crouch and others are signaling the clarion call of crisis on the matter. Joel McBastard, the founder of SportsyPorn.com, said Crouch and other shouldn't "get their panties all in bunch" over it.

"Oh please. I used to run 'straight' sports sites and I masturbated all the time while posting on the forums," McBastard said. "I mean, the power of saying mean things about people always gave me a woody, and you know, one thing led to another. One day, I realized, that other guys must have the same thing going on...and that it would only take a little encouragement, to, uh, help them along."

McBastard's SportsyPorn.com combines the often self-masturbatory fan writing of his old Web sites and combines it with hard-core porn, rife with sports references and a live Web forum so posters can argue the merit of the porn while they enjoy it.

"It's a million-dollar idea," McBastard said. "So what if humanity dies off? It's not my problem. I got my Website, I got my nice box to live in and I gotta sandwich. I got it all."