Cell-Phone, Minivan Driving Mom Taken Out By Missles, Bush Says 'Mission Accomplished!'

By Mac Avelli
Posted Sunday, January 7, 2007

BETHESDA, Md. — After a three-hour chase, the last-known cell-phone talking while driving soccer mom was taken out by a brace of handheld missiles fired by members of a joint local-federal task force.

Cassandra “Cassie” Burton, 38, was finally taken down on State Route 187 near Chevy Chase. During the three-hour chase, of which Burton appeared to have been blissfully ignorant, she was on her phone constantly. Records reveal she was on the phone to her mother, sister and three friends, without barely a moment off the phone during her rampage through the Washington D.C. suburbs.


Police sources said she before she was finally taken out, Burton caused the death of 14 people, including a van full of nuns, which she cut off and caused to swerve head on into a gasoline tanker truck.

President Bush declared a day of thanksgiving for “the end of this reign of terror, brought to so swift an end by Director of Homeland Security Karl Rove.” Bush went on to say the 13 soccer moms actually taken alive of 428,934 hunted nationally, would be tried by tribunals in secret as international terrorists.

“These were our wives, mothers and daughters — and all were working for the international terrorists who wished to destroy America,” Bush said in a statement. “These women were a far greater threat to the safety and security of America that Al-Queda. This is a decisive win in the war on terror. Our mission is accomplished.”

The menace of cellphone-talking soccer moms came first to light after a horrific accident in late 2006 in the outskirts of Chicago, near O’Hare Airport, where a soccer mom talking to her mother-in-law triggered a chain-reaction crash, which ultimately spilled onto the tarmac, causing a British Airways 777 to collide with the terminal and seven other airliners and a jet fuel truck. 9,346 people are thought to have perished in that accident, although nearly 5,000 remain unaccounted for.

Thousands of lawsuits have been filed against both the makers of SUVs and cellphones, as well as wireless carriers although none have come to trial. Many state enacted “get-tough” legislation to ban talking on cellphones in cars, although the Texas became the first state to institute the death penalty, leading to 48 executions before the state legislature changed the law and allowed for law enforcement to immediately kill those found to be talking on cell phones while driving. 24,000 such executions have taken place in texas and surrounding states, often leading to secondary accidents, when one executed mom’s Toyota Previa slammed into a school bus full of camp children, plunging them into the Brasos River and their death.

Burton’s husband, Fred, said he had feared such a tragedy for many months and had begged his wife to give up the cell phone.

“She just couldn’t stop it,” he said. “It was like an addiction and no one cared. No our children will grow up without a mother. I understand why they had to take her out, but no one seemed wiling to help her. To be honest, you have to wonder whether this was all intended to distract people from the utter failure of the Bush Administration to combat real terrorism.”

Sadly, just hours after conducting that interview, Fred Burton was killed by a Maryland State Trooper after reportedly being seen talking on his Samsung cell phone while driving his Chevy Malibu.

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