Abstinence Leads To More Sex, Study Finds

By G.R. Hogg
Posted Tuesday, September 4, 2007

A thorough study of Roman Catholic priests and Republicans has uncovered a shocking result: repressing sexual urges and long-term celibacy leads to sexual binges and conseravtive leaders are demanding that youths immediate begin having sex.

"It would just well up in them and explode," said Dr. Rachel Fredericks, a human sexuality researcher. "And it was freaky stuff, you know, because they had denied themselves for so long. We found one of the campus evangelists naked with a penquin and frankly, it just went downhill from there."

Immediately, religious leaders and conservative groups called on teens to start engaging in sexual activity as soon as possible.

"We reccomend that all teens have a minimum of two orgasms per day," said Dr. Kenneth Sweetwater, chairman of the American Foundation for American Family Life. "Masturbation, group sex, quickies in the hall between classes, whatever it takes to keep this sexual menace from spreading."

Obviously, it's a startling turnaround after centuries of preaching abstinence, and in the case of the Roman Catholic church, one that won't change quickly.

"Sex is bad," said Robert Cardinal Aleggio, the vatican's chief enforcer of sexual discipline. "bad, bad, bad. very, bad. No one should ever have it, except to have children, and then only married people. It's so very, very bad."

It is attitudes like that, Fredericks notes, that have caused these issues, going back to the days of the Roman Empire, when the Roman Emperor Augustus attemped to stem rampant orgies and public sex. Early Christians took it a step further and the practice of sexual repression slowly expanded and snowballed. Unfortunately, this repression was limited to the lower classes, creating tension between the classes -- as well as leading to a number of deviant practices.

Fredericks added that while homosexuality is normal part of mammialian biology, latex fetishes and sexually assaulting young children could be offshoots of such sexual repression. By encouraging normal sexual exploration and experimentation, it is believed that young people can grow up better adjusted and less sexually obsessed.

"Of course, we need to make sure we teach sex ed and make birth control readily available," he added.

"You're all going to burn in hell," Cardinal Aleggio said. "Hell, I tell you. You and that fat lesbian with the talkshow. No, not Oprah, the white one, Rosie O'Donnell. Hell, all of you."

A spokesman for hell declined comment, saying nothing beyond, "damn. They finally figured that one out. thank God, if you will for the RNC, or we'd be screwed."