Life Was Great Until Rove Pushed Me Out

By Satan, Guest Columnist
Posted Wednesday, May 20, 2009

As you probably know, I usually do not need to be a "guest columnist" in order to get my message out.

Unfortunately, and it kills me to say this (well, if I weren't immortal) but I've been completely outflanked in my evil works by Karl Rove and his fellow Neo-Conservatives. When once I enjoyed complete and total dominion over Hell and all evil on Earth, I've been shoved aside like some corporate middle manager suddenly laid off and given 10 minutes to clear out.

The other day, I show up at Hell's front door and find all the locks have been changed. Suddenly my cell phone rings, which was a shock, as no one, and I mean no one, has my number.

"Satan, buddy, it's me, Karl." It was Rove. I exploded in fury and attempted to strike him dead. "Oooh, that tickles," he said. "Seriously, nice try ol' prince of darkness. You see, though, the bad news is that I'm taking over down here and frankly, you just don't fit our long-term plans. But, hey, write a book or something, maybe produce a picture or two in Hollywood, I'm sure there's lots of places where you can fit in."

Well, it's safe to say I was furious. No way did I see this coming. I called up God and scheduled a lunch meeting.

"Before you even start," God said, "I know what you're going to say."

Being God, he did, in fact.

"Look, there's nothing I can do." God said, while picking through his taco salad. "Rove and Bush and those guys have been using my name in vain for years, and no matter how many times I strike to strike them dead, nothing happens. I don't know what the deal is, but they're really connected. I do what I can, a little jihad here, a hurricane there, but somehow they always turn it to their advantage. I thought I had them with the whole pretzel thing, but somehow Rove managed to distract me. So, kid, I'm sorry —.you've done a great job in Hell, I couldn't ask for more, frankly, but there's nothing I can do. You're on your own."

We enjoyed the rest of lunch, God dropped a few hints on what he has coming for some celebrities, and all I can say is that Katie Couric should avoid cotton candy machines and Carmen Electra. Anyhow, I decided I would fight back, using my minions on earth: plastic surgeons and public relations people.
More than a few plastic surgeons in southern California owed me big time, so I had the horns and tail trimmed and smoothed, to give me a hipper, more modern look. Then we launched the whole "The Devil's Not Just For Hell, Anymore" campaign.

You probably remember that, and it worked for a bit, but ultimately, got me not much beyond an appearance on the Hollywood Squares. I got bumped from Leno, and that bastard so owes me, as anyone with any common sense knows he had to make a massive deal with me to beat out Letterman.

As you probably know, I've been forced to do a magic show in Las Vegas just to make ends meet.
As you have heard in passing on Fox News (since CNN and MSNBC were turned into shopping channels) George W. Bush has decided to stay on past the 2008 elections to help see through the Canadians process of electing a "democratic" government of their own. Of course, with the Canadian insurgency, that could take decades.

I don't know, but I hope like me, you miss the good days of simple evil, a little genocide, some sloth, a bit of greed and so on. It was clean, it was simple — really the good old days.
All ruined by Karl Rove.

I'd say more, but I have two shows on the strip tonight. Mention my name and you get half off the cost of the buffet when you buy tickets to my show.

Satan, the former price of darkness, performs nightly in the Rio Hotel and Casino's "Hell of a Great Magic Show."